A Maple Leaf Proposal

It is no secret that the American economy is in the toilet. The national debt has reached over 15 trillion dollars, and hundreds of thousands of dollars are added to that running total every second. On top of that, the United States owes China a few trillion dollars in interest. At this point, it is only a matter of time before China lends us a final dollar to dry our tears as they replace our flags with the red flags of communism.

This financial crisis has plagued our country for about four years. So far, nobody has been able to even begin to reverse the damage. Our leaders and economists have put their heads together but found them tragically empty. Luckily for America, I have designed a solution that will prevent the inevitable Chinese invasion, the raping and pillaging of cities and villages from sea to shining sea.

We must phone our friendly Canadian neighbors and inform them that they’re now officially all slaves of Americans. These passive buggers will most likely happily agree, but if they do decline our generous offer, an invasion will be prepared. This may even be easier than the phone call; I’m pretty sure Canada doesn’t even have a military.

If the enslavement is forced, it will soon be appreciated. Our chipper friends will be quite relieved to get away from their cold, harsh environment. They will know what it is like to walk barefoot without having to subsequently amputate their frostbitten toes.

In addition to eliminating labor costs and thus providing all of the United States with any kind of free service or product, the Canadians will make a great addition to the NHL. It will please our undervalued hockey teams and the Canadians. Even the worst hockey players in Canada would become stars in the states.

America will have to make a few small changes, but they will be worth it. Snow machines will be put in every state, and bottles of maple syrup must be sold at sporting events, convenience stores, and vending machines. These small sacrifices made by Americans will secure the future of this great nation, while enhancing global relations, particularly with Canada and China.